Four men, including Santa, were being interviewed for a top job.
With nothing to choose between them, the interviewer told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job.
The next morning. "Here's your question," said the interviewer to the first candidate, "What's the fastest thing in the world?"
Without hesitation, the candidate replied, "A thought, because it takes no time at all."
The interviewer was impressed.
The second candidate came up next and he was asked the same question.
"A blink," he replied, "because you don't think about a blink. It's a reflex."
"Good answer," said the interviewer.
"What's the fastest thing in the world?" the interviewer asked the third candidate.
"Electricity, because you can flip a switch and far away a light will go on immediately," the third candidate replied after a moment's thought.
"That's a great answer," replied the interviewer.
Finally, it was Santa's turn and he was also asked, "What's the fastest thing in the world?"
Scratching his head Santa replied, "Diarrhoea. Last night after dinner I was lying on my bed when I got these awful stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light .... "
Never Show Up Late!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading politician was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession," he said.
Moral: NEVER BE LATE!